just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You need a sexual gate keeper
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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