cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
