operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
this boner is exhausting
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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