When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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