i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
