My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
