i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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