My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
