God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize