Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
