There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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