dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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