dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
