My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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