Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
