i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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