I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
