I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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