Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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