all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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