the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
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