I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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