Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
