Nicole vs. Life
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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