Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize