I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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