I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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