It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
