she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
