You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
