Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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