i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's official drugs can't kill me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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