How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
