I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
