In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
