Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
