M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
