found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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