The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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