I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
