i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
