if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
