So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
