just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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