Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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