I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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