one word: firstdatebathroomanal
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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