Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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