take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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