i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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