I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
that's an acceptable place to lick
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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