You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You have to summon your inner elephant
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
