my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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