I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
