sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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