allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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