It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
