The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
