I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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