someone threw a dead crab at me
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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