She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
