My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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